*SPOILERS FOR APOCALYPSE NOW, PLATOON AND WWII - YES, IN THIS PRE-AMBLE*

Hola! Oh no, we're speaking Spanish. Was the Vietnam War all for nothing? (Please check this, subs.)

Was Colonel Kurtz grotesquely mutilated just so our fish, chips and napalm shops would be put out of business by swarthy piella salesman?

Did Willem Dafoe thrust his arms skywards to the strains of Samuel Barber, only for our brass bands to be silenced by the deft fingery of Flamenco guitar.

And what of Field Marshal Winston Patton, leading his brave forces into battle against a heap of devious, identikit guerrilla fighters armed with grenades and rice.

Still, perhaps the sun will come out now we've been invaded by Spain. If you'd missed the invasion, take a look out of your window. What do you see? Oh, well try the other window. Just look at them, with their impressive tans and Euro 2008 t-shirts, laying waste to the wilds of Yorkshire.

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I'd like to apologise for the above, which is dreadfully hard to justify on any level (particularly a comedic one), but since it's the only pre-amble you're getting this week, that mightn't be wise. I was covering a meeting on Wednesday night and I'm spending Thursday bopping to Thea Gilmore at The Duchess, York, so this has been written on Monday and Tuesday, and uploaded in a frightful hurry. I hope it doesn't detract from your enjoyment of your life.

This week's guide features a heap of reviews covering the films showing on telly this week (though a few of them are recycled from old guides), along with the next five movies in our Top 100: #s 50 to 45. It's usually 10, and I generally endeavour to write as many brand spanking new reviews as I can, but like I said, 'been busy.

Your comments are welcome - no, essential - at rick.burin@ypn.co.uk or via the usual channels (post, graffiti, flaming human sacrifice).

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Films on TV - your guide to the week ahead
Nov 28 to Dec 4

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28

Up first this week is Warner Bros' superlative swashbuckler, The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938, Five, 3.35pm). Showcasing Errol Flynn's jaunty, irreverent persona - one of cinema's greatest treats - it's a lushly-photographed Technicolor romp stuffed with superb action sequences and colourful characterisations. Olivia de Havilland is ideal as Maid Marian, Basil Rathbone suitably hissable as Guy of Gisbourne and Claude Rains seductively despotic as Prince John, while the Merry Men include such familiar faces as Eugene Pallette and Alan Hale. The film is also notable for featuring one of Erich Wolfgang Korngold's greatest scores, a euphoria-inducingly fantastic creation. (5/5)

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980, ITV1, 4.35pm) is the best of the bunch. Requiring no set-up and no wrap-up, it's able to devote its time instead to a fast-moving, twisty-turny plot, a handful of ace action sequences and some atypically involving wordy stretches. The story was penned by George Lucas, but the script was done by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan, with Irvin Kershner directing. That means that while the movie takes place in Lucas' essentially intriguing universe, it's blissfully free of his lousy dialogue and steeped in atmosphere – a palpable chilliness complementing the often bleak subject matter. The plot has throaty commander-in-chief (and world's worst dad) Darth Vader stalking rebel hotshot Luke Skywalker around the galaxy. At first it appears he's trying to kill him, but fear not, he just wants him to join the dark side. For non-Star Wars devotees, this is an example of just how good the series became; for fans, it's a chance to see the gaping chasm between this fine film and the actual greatest movie ever made, which we'll be revealing in January. (5/5)

I got No Way Out (1987, Virgin1, 9pm) as a blind buy on DVD (see also: Oldboy), having heard from both the Radio Times and Leonard Maltin that it was a first-rate thriller. Well it's not. It's a load of old guff. Riffing, cold war stylee, on the classic 1948 crime movie The Big Clock – starring Charles Laughton and Ray Milland – it casts Kevin Costner as an army officer who's forced to cover his tracks after an illicit liaison with his boss's mistress, who winds up dead. State propaganda merges with reality and soon he's suspected of being a Russian spy. The film begins like an erotic thriller, complete with hilariously asinine symbolism, then morphs into a moderately involving procedural, before going out in a blaze of incomprehensible idiocy. (2/5)


SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29

Robots (2005, C4, 6.25pm) is a witless CGI variation on the 'little man versus the world' films so beloved of Frank Capra, with only an impressive visual sense to recommend it. Rodney Copperbottom (voiced by Ewan McGregor) is a young robot who moves to the big city in a bid to meet his hero, the famous inventor Bigweld (Mel Brooks). Finding him mysteriously absent, Rodney resolves to get to the (copper) bottom of the matter. Robot City is a stunning, extraordinarily complete and believable universe, but everything else about Robots feels shallow and underwhelming, from the under-nourished storyline to the weak comic relief (Robin Williams) and the film's abundance of tedious spot-the-movie spoofery. (2/5)

FILM OF THE WEEK – 1
There've been a few versions of The Secret Garden (1993, Five, 2.30pm) – including the usual edited highlights package from MGM in '49 – but this '90s reading from Polish filmmaker Agnieszka Holland is probably the best, retaining the spirit of the book along with its plot points. Kate Maberly is most appealing as Mary Lennox, the young girl who returns to England from India after her parents' death and begins to change the lives of those around her – including her frosty uncle and sickly cousin (Heydon Prowse, who you might recall filmed that Alan Duncan outburst the other week). Maggie Smith also shines as Mrs Medlock, the gruff but kindhearted head of the servants. Shot at Fountains Abbey and Allerton Castle, this is a rich, rewarding adaptation with a wonderful evocation of time and place. (5/5)

Miracle on 34th Street (1947, Film4, 4.45pm) is a near-classic Christmas movie about a department store Santa (Edmund Gwenn) who claims to be the real thing, and ends up having to prove his identity during a mental examination. Maureen O'Hara is the arch realist who starts to come around, Natalie Wood her big-eyed daughter and John Paine their affable neighbour. Among the stuffy, cynical souls trampling on everyone's fun, you'll find rent-a-villains Porter Hall and Gene Lockhart. While frequently winning, with a great Christmas atmosphere and sensitive, charming playing, there's something a little off about the plotting, which is disjointed and simply too stressful to provide the escapist wonderment required. (4/5)


MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30

As reviewed last week: I saw The Cheaters (1945, Film4, 11am) for the first time recently and was really taken with it. Playing like a cross between Merrily We Live, Christmas in Connecticut and Remember the Night, it sees a dizzy, well-to-do family take in a penniless, drunken former matinee idol over the Christmas period. But if you're expecting him to teach them a few life lessons, a la Merrily We Live or My Man Godfrey, you're liable to be surprised. Not only is he a complete fraud, but he has a severely dark side and is willing to help them defraud a showgirl out of her rightful inheritance. This intelligent, incisive prestige production from Republic Pictures looks and feels very Christmassy, that festive flavour augmenting a narrative that's loaded with interesting ideas and unexpected diversions, even if they don't always come off. It could have done with a few less jokes about drunkenness, too – Hollywood tended to see alcoholism as amusing until Wilder's The Lost Weekend, released the same year. Joseph Schildkraut, who appeared in perhaps the greatest Christmas film of all – The Shop Around the Corner – is the standout as the John Barrymore-esque actor, with an unusually strong supporting cast, given the studio, headed by Billie Burke and Preston Sturges alumni Eugene Pallette and Raymond Walburn. (4/5)

The World According to Garp (1982, TCM, 11.05pm) is an entertaining, episodic fantasy, based on the John Irving novel. Robin Williams gives one of his best (i.e. most bearable) performances as the illegitimate son of a feminist nurse - his late father is known only as Technical Sergeant Garp - whose character is forged in a blur of bohemia and bizarreness. A plane flies into his house, a transgender ex-American Footballer comes to stay and Garp delves into the question of female sexuality, as the film's none-too-subtle themes of love and loss in a wonderful, weird world come to the fore. This is sometimes a little too self-consciously quirky for its own good, but it's never dull - and it's an awful lot better than Forrest Gump. (3/5)


For TUE to FRI picks, please click on the link below right.